Hiatus

I didn't mean to leave the blog for a whole week... but the words were just spinning around in my head and nothing was making sense... I'm still not sure it is.

I feel like I'm suffering from post-traumatic stress...

• frightened
• sad
• anxious
• disconnected

Yep, yep, yep and yep. HOWEVER....things are working their way back to normal.

Last Wednesday (Tuesday Husband got his staples out and the A-OK to pick up Miss B which was a HUGE HUGE HUGE burden lifted) Minnie and I took off BY.OUR.SELVES. to hit the local market and the library.

I went into the market because I knew the lady who typically works during the week had also been hit with tragic news the same week-ish that I had and we hadn't connected... So I went in and listened to her story and she to mine and I thought to myself... Minnie is soaking all of this up... standing ever so patiently at my hip... we trekked on to the library where we bumped into a Mom of some gals that Husband coached... she hadn't heard yet. The librarian asked Minnie "How's Daddy" and the Mom responded "What happened?" I answered "colon cancer" and her eyes immediately welled up with tears and Minnie was witnessing the whole thing.

It was at that moment that I actually said it OUT LOUD and I actually BELIEVED IT... I put my hand on Minnie's winter-hat covered head and said... "He's going to be OK. He's going to be just fine."

In less than 30 days we went from thinking that Husband was not going to make it...me thinking that I was going to be alone, missing my best friend for the rest of my life, raising two babies... girls.... to just now starting to dream again. Thinking that PRAISE JESUS I wouldn't be sending Minnie to kindergarten as a single-mama and daring to dream about my girl's Daddy walking them down the isle someday (when they are 30)....

In going through something as devastating as this my peeps were all right there pointing me to the Lord. (Scripture, devotionals, etc.) All GREAT stuff and the RIGHT place I NEEDED to be pointed but truth be told I wasn't very open. I was just trying to survive. The one thing that I did cling to was something that sweet "Yiz" told me the night that I came home from Husband's surgery. There is a part in One Thousand Gifts where Ann talks about (paraphrasing here) the part where it just feels SO SO dark.. the black, alone, quiet, sad, DARK... what if that is the part where God has His hand COVERING you and protecting you from everything else that COULD BE while you are going through the DARK... That's EXACTLY what it felt like... how protected we were... how GRACIOUS HE was to keep Husband safe, to have this found SO early, to lead us down the road of "why are you making 12 kidney stones?" and "no one can figure it out..." so that it did not go undetected... how protected.

I think we've been through some trauma... I think it's gonna take time but I'm so thankful for the time that we have to mend, repair, heal and BE a family. As Minnie says... "just the four of us Momma? Wanna do it together? Just the four of us?" Heck YAH Minnie... the FOUR of us.

P.S. Mama H ~ this is one calendar that WILL.NOT. stay up for an extra month