This is not a "break" in FF posts (I know you are DYING for the "end") :) hee hee hee... but I wanted to share something a little different... my (somewhat scattered) heart and my mindset while spending the past year going through this and walking this "journey" as you have heard me say a few times now.
It is so easy to say "Everything Happens for a Reason" it is easy for other people to tell you that when you least expect it... you'll get PG... and even after we GOT PG with no meds people would say "oh that happens all the time" but honestly, when you are going through it... when you are the one stabbing yourself with a needle, taking hormones that make your Husband want to move to the basement and riding the rollercoaster... you never think YOU'LL actually be one of those girls... it was not easy to always hear the comments...
People who do not struggle with this do not understand. They don't say or do things to be intentionally mean or hurtful it just comes out that way... to someone who is silently struggling with something so personal and intimate. Can't we all be a little more sensitive to those around us no matter what the issue is? No matter if we know of something they are struggling with or not? I want to be there. I want to be sensitive to those unspoken requests....
Throughout this entire process, I have had undeniable bouts of overwhelming peace when we would start a new cycle, or as was the case towards the end... NO PEACE. I felt God like I have never felt Him before in my life. I felt His PROTECTION more than anything I think and I came to a place where I was able to just REST and relax in HIS arms knowing that Husband and I could travel a road but that we needed Him to guide our steps. We prayed long and OFTEN for open and shut doors. Black and White answers from Him and He did NOT disappoint. (as HE NEVER DOES!)
When I would feel at the end of the rope I would have an email from a friend with words of encouragement like this:
"How's my precious friend? Been praying for you all the time! I'm praying and have been for protection all around you in your journey through all of this. I'm just trusting God!!! Love you and think of you often! And I pray for you tons!!!!!!!!!!!"
Or a prayer email that would speak to my heart like this:
"Lord, we come to you today, standing in the gap for J. You know she is struggling, Lord and we don't know how to help ease that pain. We ask that you send your Holy Spirit to her and give her a moment of comfort. Give her a moment of peace and reassurance. It is hard to understand your timing. It is hard to understand your plan. We are humanly selfish and impatient and for that we ask your forgiveness. We ask that in those times of selfishness and impatience, you use them to teach us and bring us closer to you, Lord. We don't understand why you have given S and J such a strong desire to have children, Lord, but we trust this is your desire for them as well. We are on our knees asking you to do what only you can... provide them with a miracle. Give them the opportunity to rejoice in your creation, Lord, and to give you all the glory. Lord, I sit here shaking my head because I don't know what else to pray. Reveal to us what you desire of us and may your ultimate will be done. We love you Lord and we love S and J. We rest all these things at the foot of the cross. In your beautiful Son's name, Amen."
The Lord was ever present in this process. He WANTS to give us the desires of our heart, yet He knows what is the perfect timing in EVERY WAY. I laugh about that to myself because twins run in my family and I really never wanted an "only" child. Which, that may end up the way it goes but I thought that if I ever WAS to get PG wouldn't it be sooooo great to just do it ONCE and pop out "two for the price of one"? Clearly God knows how much I can handle :)
We would not be almost 1/2 way to meeting our precious gem if it were not for the Grace and MIRACLE that God bestowed on us... and I would not be able to tell this story had it not been for the encouragement of the hand-picked girlfriends lifting me up and praying for me the whole way.
But really... let's be honest. This... this was the guy that was IN THE TRENCHES with me... this was the guy that would hold me sobbing... this was the guy who wiped my tears, picked me up and encouraged us to keep pressing on. This was the guy who was praying for me when I would leave the house some mornings before him for bloodwork in the big city or to get proded yet again trying to get to our baby. This was the guy who wanted this to happen just as much if not MORE than I did. This was the guy that was always destin to be our child's Daddy and this is the guy that I would NOT have traveled this journey WITHOUT. I love you so much Husband.
It is so easy to say "Everything Happens for a Reason" it is easy for other people to tell you that when you least expect it... you'll get PG... and even after we GOT PG with no meds people would say "oh that happens all the time" but honestly, when you are going through it... when you are the one stabbing yourself with a needle, taking hormones that make your Husband want to move to the basement and riding the rollercoaster... you never think YOU'LL actually be one of those girls... it was not easy to always hear the comments...
People who do not struggle with this do not understand. They don't say or do things to be intentionally mean or hurtful it just comes out that way... to someone who is silently struggling with something so personal and intimate. Can't we all be a little more sensitive to those around us no matter what the issue is? No matter if we know of something they are struggling with or not? I want to be there. I want to be sensitive to those unspoken requests....
Throughout this entire process, I have had undeniable bouts of overwhelming peace when we would start a new cycle, or as was the case towards the end... NO PEACE. I felt God like I have never felt Him before in my life. I felt His PROTECTION more than anything I think and I came to a place where I was able to just REST and relax in HIS arms knowing that Husband and I could travel a road but that we needed Him to guide our steps. We prayed long and OFTEN for open and shut doors. Black and White answers from Him and He did NOT disappoint. (as HE NEVER DOES!)
When I would feel at the end of the rope I would have an email from a friend with words of encouragement like this:
"How's my precious friend? Been praying for you all the time! I'm praying and have been for protection all around you in your journey through all of this. I'm just trusting God!!! Love you and think of you often! And I pray for you tons!!!!!!!!!!!"
Or a prayer email that would speak to my heart like this:
"Lord, we come to you today, standing in the gap for J. You know she is struggling, Lord and we don't know how to help ease that pain. We ask that you send your Holy Spirit to her and give her a moment of comfort. Give her a moment of peace and reassurance. It is hard to understand your timing. It is hard to understand your plan. We are humanly selfish and impatient and for that we ask your forgiveness. We ask that in those times of selfishness and impatience, you use them to teach us and bring us closer to you, Lord. We don't understand why you have given S and J such a strong desire to have children, Lord, but we trust this is your desire for them as well. We are on our knees asking you to do what only you can... provide them with a miracle. Give them the opportunity to rejoice in your creation, Lord, and to give you all the glory. Lord, I sit here shaking my head because I don't know what else to pray. Reveal to us what you desire of us and may your ultimate will be done. We love you Lord and we love S and J. We rest all these things at the foot of the cross. In your beautiful Son's name, Amen."
The Lord was ever present in this process. He WANTS to give us the desires of our heart, yet He knows what is the perfect timing in EVERY WAY. I laugh about that to myself because twins run in my family and I really never wanted an "only" child. Which, that may end up the way it goes but I thought that if I ever WAS to get PG wouldn't it be sooooo great to just do it ONCE and pop out "two for the price of one"? Clearly God knows how much I can handle :)
We would not be almost 1/2 way to meeting our precious gem if it were not for the Grace and MIRACLE that God bestowed on us... and I would not be able to tell this story had it not been for the encouragement of the hand-picked girlfriends lifting me up and praying for me the whole way.
But really... let's be honest. This... this was the guy that was IN THE TRENCHES with me... this was the guy that would hold me sobbing... this was the guy who wiped my tears, picked me up and encouraged us to keep pressing on. This was the guy who was praying for me when I would leave the house some mornings before him for bloodwork in the big city or to get proded yet again trying to get to our baby. This was the guy who wanted this to happen just as much if not MORE than I did. This was the guy that was always destin to be our child's Daddy and this is the guy that I would NOT have traveled this journey WITHOUT. I love you so much Husband.
3 comments:
Great post! As I've told you before - the creation of life is a miracle in and of itself but you, my sister, are in the midst of a true miracle!
Glory be to God!
*(HUG)*
You are indeed blessed, in so many ways. To have friends who sent you words of prayer and encouragement like that! FF pulls at the heartstrings once again!
Tears...tears...lots of tears! After over a week of not being online, I could not have asked for a better post to come back to. I love you lots, Country Mouse.
Your testimony brings tears to my eyes. Without a doubt. Your story is a story that many people in this world should use as an example. Waiting and trusting in the Lord.
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